“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32 NIV).
I have lost count of the number of adult siblings I have met who refuse to talk with one another at their parent’s funeral. Oftentimes, neither of the offended parties recalls the conflict that led to the family feud. Sadly, the inability to forgive can lead to a generational pattern of estrangement.
As with many lifelong behaviors, the capacity to forgive others (or not) is established during a child’s formative years. From the Christian perspective, forgiving the people who hurt us begins with an honest admission of the ways we have hurt them. Confessing one’s sins is a virtue that does not come naturally, especially for children.
The reason our kids often refuse to take responsibility for their misbehavior is that blaming someone else feels like a safer response than apologizing. Children want to avoid feeling bad about themselves. They assume their teachers and friends will no longer like them. They’re afraid we won’t love them. Deflecting blame feels a lot less risky than admitting their wrongdoing.
Yet speaking words of forgiveness and reconciliation are essential for providing children a safe zone to apologize. Assure your child that nothing she does could prevent you from loving her, no matter how egregious the infraction. Moreover, remind her that telling the truth is in her best interest, and may potentially lessen the severity of any consequence she faces.
Likewise, teach your child that forgiveness does not depend on the actions of the other person. As Christians, we forgive not because we feel like it or when the other person apologizes first. We forgive because God forgives us.
And remember, the most important lessons in life are more frequently caught than taught. Whenever possible, model forgiveness for your child. Ask for forgiveness from your spouse, your child, or a friend in earshot of the whole family. Doing so will embolden the youngest members of your household to confess their future misconduct.
Finally, demonstrate for your children what author, Ken Sande, outlines as the four principles of forgiveness:
1. I will not dwell on the incident.
2. I will not bring this incident up again and use it against you.
3. I will not talk to others about this incident.
4. I will not let this incident stand between us.
Though you may never forget the harm someone once inflicted on you, you have a choice not to dwell on the affliction. Your willingness to forgive today for the offenses inflicted on you yesterday will go far in determining the kind of relationship you will have with that person tomorrow.
I have lost count of the number of adult siblings I have met who refuse to talk with one another at their parent’s funeral. Oftentimes, neither of the offended parties recalls the conflict that led to the family feud. Sadly, the inability to forgive can lead to a generational pattern of estrangement.
As with many lifelong behaviors, the capacity to forgive others (or not) is established during a child’s formative years. From the Christian perspective, forgiving the people who hurt us begins with an honest admission of the ways we have hurt them. Confessing one’s sins is a virtue that does not come naturally, especially for children.
The reason our kids often refuse to take responsibility for their misbehavior is that blaming someone else feels like a safer response than apologizing. Children want to avoid feeling bad about themselves. They assume their teachers and friends will no longer like them. They’re afraid we won’t love them. Deflecting blame feels a lot less risky than admitting their wrongdoing.
Yet speaking words of forgiveness and reconciliation are essential for providing children a safe zone to apologize. Assure your child that nothing she does could prevent you from loving her, no matter how egregious the infraction. Moreover, remind her that telling the truth is in her best interest, and may potentially lessen the severity of any consequence she faces.
Likewise, teach your child that forgiveness does not depend on the actions of the other person. As Christians, we forgive not because we feel like it or when the other person apologizes first. We forgive because God forgives us.
And remember, the most important lessons in life are more frequently caught than taught. Whenever possible, model forgiveness for your child. Ask for forgiveness from your spouse, your child, or a friend in earshot of the whole family. Doing so will embolden the youngest members of your household to confess their future misconduct.
Finally, demonstrate for your children what author, Ken Sande, outlines as the four principles of forgiveness:
1. I will not dwell on the incident.
2. I will not bring this incident up again and use it against you.
3. I will not talk to others about this incident.
4. I will not let this incident stand between us.
Though you may never forget the harm someone once inflicted on you, you have a choice not to dwell on the affliction. Your willingness to forgive today for the offenses inflicted on you yesterday will go far in determining the kind of relationship you will have with that person tomorrow.