“Fathers do not make your children angry, but raise them with the training and teaching of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4, NCV).
If you’ve attended a youth sporting event, you no doubt have met “that parent.” I’m talking about the mom or dad who continually berates their child for underperforming on the court or the field of play. The individual who steals the joy from everyone sitting in the stands. Their continuous critique reminds me of the old school manager who lives by the motto: The beatings will continue until morale and production improve.
No doubt, parents who trend toward hypercriticism likely were harangued frequently as children by their parents. Our tendency is to parent in ways connected with the ways we were parented. Such is the tenuous nature of legacy.
The reality is that our words, as parents, are not equally weighed. Psychologists contend that ten positive remarks are required, on average, to counterbalance a negative comment. (Ten strokes for every poke.) However, this frame of reference applies to adult relationships such as marriages. The differentiation ratio is much higher when it comes to parents communicating with their children. For this reason, negative remarks should be the exception rather than the rule.
While we seldom remember the negative words we said to our parents when we were young, we never forget the negative things our parents said to us. Negative words have a lasting effect. As parents, each of us slips up from time to time and hurt the people we love. This is why we must offset these harmful barbs with deliberate, life-giving words.
However, there are moments when we also must share with our children a word that is negative. Discipline is necessary. But if your child is the recipient of a continual diet of negativity, he likely will not be able to digest your correction. When your ratio of negative to positive statements is high, you are usurping your own attempts at redirecting his behavior.
As parents, we want the best for our children. Setting our kids up for success, however, begins with identifying the wounds we carry from our own overly critical parents. Yet once we become aware with the ways we were wounded, we have a good start toward being healed within and can begin developing a more healthy and positive approach with our own children.
If you are one who starves for external validation or, are hyper-sensitive to criticism or, are extremely hard on yourself or others, I welcome you to pray the following prayer with me:
Lord Jesus, heal me from the wounds that are buried deeply within me.
If you’ve attended a youth sporting event, you no doubt have met “that parent.” I’m talking about the mom or dad who continually berates their child for underperforming on the court or the field of play. The individual who steals the joy from everyone sitting in the stands. Their continuous critique reminds me of the old school manager who lives by the motto: The beatings will continue until morale and production improve.
No doubt, parents who trend toward hypercriticism likely were harangued frequently as children by their parents. Our tendency is to parent in ways connected with the ways we were parented. Such is the tenuous nature of legacy.
The reality is that our words, as parents, are not equally weighed. Psychologists contend that ten positive remarks are required, on average, to counterbalance a negative comment. (Ten strokes for every poke.) However, this frame of reference applies to adult relationships such as marriages. The differentiation ratio is much higher when it comes to parents communicating with their children. For this reason, negative remarks should be the exception rather than the rule.
While we seldom remember the negative words we said to our parents when we were young, we never forget the negative things our parents said to us. Negative words have a lasting effect. As parents, each of us slips up from time to time and hurt the people we love. This is why we must offset these harmful barbs with deliberate, life-giving words.
However, there are moments when we also must share with our children a word that is negative. Discipline is necessary. But if your child is the recipient of a continual diet of negativity, he likely will not be able to digest your correction. When your ratio of negative to positive statements is high, you are usurping your own attempts at redirecting his behavior.
As parents, we want the best for our children. Setting our kids up for success, however, begins with identifying the wounds we carry from our own overly critical parents. Yet once we become aware with the ways we were wounded, we have a good start toward being healed within and can begin developing a more healthy and positive approach with our own children.
If you are one who starves for external validation or, are hyper-sensitive to criticism or, are extremely hard on yourself or others, I welcome you to pray the following prayer with me:
Lord Jesus, heal me from the wounds that are buried deeply within me.
I don’t want to pass along to my children the pain I experienced in my childhood.
Help me identify and release the words that once hurt me, so that I may not repeat them
to the ones I love. Grant me the liberty to choose the kinds of words that will bless
and not curse my kids. Through Jesus name, I pray. Amen.
and not curse my kids. Through Jesus name, I pray. Amen.